How to help children deal with divorce or separation
Separation may involve bad feelings between the parents and their families. Children can pick up on this, which may make them confused or unhappy – or even blame themselves for a break-up.
To support children during a separation and help them with their worries, you should:
- remind them that they're loved by both parents
- be honest when talking about it but keep in mind the child's age and understanding
- avoid blame and don't share any negative feelings the adults have about each other
- keep up routines such as going to school and specific meal times
- let them know they can talk about their feelings with you – explain that it's okay to be sad, confused or angry
- listen more than you speak – answering questions will help them to open up.
There are lots of ways to make it a bit less painful when talking to children about divorce or any other difficult subject. We’ve got more advice for parents in our guide for talking about difficult topics.
Childline
Sometimes children find it hard to talk to someone in the family about their parents separating. Remind them they can always contact Childline by phoning 0800 1111 or having a 1-2-1 chat online.
Go to Childline
Who has parental responsibility?
In general, mothers automatically have parental responsibility for their child from birth.
Fathers usually have parental responsibility for the child if they were married to the child's mother and/or are listed on the child's birth certificate.
If both partners have parental responsibility, then both are responsible for the child's wellbeing until he or she reaches adulthood at age 18.
Learn more about parental rights and responsibilities on the UK Government website.
How courts decide on child contact
Every child and set of circumstances is different. But in every situation, the child's welfare must be put first. When deciding on contact and residence, the courts focus on a number of key factors, such as:
- the wishes and feelings of the child
- any harm or risk of harm
- the child's physical, emotional and educational needs
- the likely effect of any change in the child's circumstances
- the child's age, sex, background and characteristics
- the ability of each parent to meet the child's needs.
Co-parenting and COVID
While there's still a lot of uncertainty and there may be more anxieties as new COVID variants emerge, it's important to do what's safe and right for everyone. 3 things to think about when deciding whether a child should visit both homes are:
- the children's health
- whether there's risk of infection
- if there are vulnerable people in either home.
Routine can help children feel safe, secure and reassured so keeping to your usual contact arrangements, as long as it's safe to, will help maintain consistency and routine. Talk to your children about any changes and explain why these have been made so they feel involved with decisions and secure that others in their lives are still involved day to day.
If you can't see each other in person, you can instead use technology to stay in touch. Skype, video calls and talking on the phone can be great for sharing parts of your children's day with everyone and can help everyone feel connected. Or have film nights where you all watch the same film and comment on messaging apps or by phone.
Young children might enjoy parents and carers reading stories at bedtime or at a set time each day using video calls.
It might be difficult to keep to your usual patterns and routine if someone is sick. If this happens then communication needs to be clear and honest from parents and carers to children. Your child might feel they are missing out on time with each of their parents and it may be helpful to agree they could have more time in the future.
Children should feel safe and secure. Hearing disputes and arguments over child access can leave children feeling confused, upset and worried. Be mindful about what your children can hear when you're talking with their other parent.
You may be experiencing or have experienced domestic abuse and have child contact arrangements in place.
If you're concerned your partner is trying to control the situation – for example saying your child can't be returned due to coronavirus – call us on 0808 800 5000 or email for support or speak to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.
If you're worried about your child's safety during contact, call us on 0808 800 5000 or email for advice. Always ring 999 in an emergency.
For legal advice, we recommend Child Law Advice and Rights of Women.
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