Most parents are aware that their child's feelings of self-worth are linked with their success socially and academically. But, sometimes parents are unaware of how easy it is to damage their child's self-esteem without even realizing it. Research shows that children with learning disabilities are more likely to suffer from lack of self-esteem than their peers. The Coordinated Campaign for Learning Disabilities, along with Dr. Robert Brooks, have compiled a list of ways parents can develop positive feelings of self-worth in their children.
Help your child feel special and appreciated. Research indicates that one of the main factors that contributes to a child developing hope and becoming resilient is the presence of at least one adult who helps the child to feel special and appreciated; an adult who does not ignore a child's problems, but focuses energy on a child's strengths. One way for parents to do this is to set aside "special time" during the week alone with each child in the household. If the child is young, it is even helpful for the parent to say, "When I read to you or play with you, I won't even answer the phone if it rings." Also, during these special times, focus on things that your child enjoys doing so that he/she has an opportunity to relax and to display his/her strengths.
Help your child to develop problem-solving and decision-making skills. High self-esteem is associated with solid problem-solving skills. For example, if your child is having difficulty with a friend, you can ask him/her to think about a couple of ways of solving the situation. Don't worry if your child can't think of solutions immediately, you can help him/her reflect upon possible solutions. Also, try role playing situations with your child to help demonstrate the steps involved in problem-solving.
Avoid comments that are judgmental. Instead, frame them in more positive terms. For example, a comment that often comes out in an accusatory way is, "try harder and put in more of an effort." Many children do try hard and still have difficulty. Instead say, "We have to figure out better strategies to help you learn." Children are less defensive when the problem is cast as strategies that must be changed rather than as something deficient with their motivation. This approach also reinforces problem-solving skills.
Be an empathetic parent. Many well-meaning parents, out of their own frustration, have been heard to say such things as, "Why don't you listen to me?!" or "why don't you use your brain?" If your child is having difficulty with learning, it is best to be empathetic and say to the child that you know he/she is having difficulty; then the parent can cast the difficulty into a problem to be solved and involve the child in thinking about possible solutions.
Provide choices for your child. This will also minimize power struggles that may arise. For example, ask your child if he/she would like to be reminded 5 or 10 minutes before bedtime to get ready for bed. These beginning choices help to set the foundation for a feeling of control of one's life.
Do not compare siblings. It is important not to compare siblings and to highlight the strengths of all children in the family.
Highlight your child's strengths. Unfortunately, many youngsters view themselves in a negative way, especially in terms of school. Make a list of your child's "islands of competence" or areas of strength. Select one of these islands and find ways of reinforcing and displaying it. For example, if your child is a wonderful artist, display his/her artwork.
Provide opportunities for children to help. Children seem to have an inborn need to help others. Providing opportunities for children to help is a very concrete way of displaying their "islands of competence" and of highlighting that they have something to offer their world. Involving your child in charitable work is just one possible example. Helping others certainly boosts their self-esteem.
Have realistic expectations and goals for your child. Having realistic expectations provides the child with a sense of control. The development of self-control goes hand-in-glove with self-esteem.
Help your child understand the nature of his/her learning disability. Many children have fantasies and misconceptions about their learning problems that add to their distress (for example, one child said he was born with half a brain). Having realistic information provides that child not only with a sense of control, but also with a feeling that things can be done to help the situation.
The Coordinated Campaign for Learning Disabilities is a collaborative public awareness effort coordinated by the Communications Consortium Media Center and generously supported by the Emily Hall Tremaine Foundation.
Teachers have long known that when students feel good about themselves, they are able to achieve more in the classroom. Think about yourself: the more confident you are, the more capable you feel, no matter the task. When a child feels capable and sure of themselves, they are easier to motivate and more likely to reach their potential.
Fostering can-do attitudes and building confidence by setting students up for success and providing frequent positive feedback are essential roles of both teachers and parents. Learn how to build and maintain positive self-esteem in your students here.
Why Self-Esteem Is Important
Children must have good self-esteem for a number of reasons as it affects nearly every aspect of their lives. Not only does good self-esteem improve academic performance, but it also strengthens social skills and the ability to cultivate supportive and lasting relationships.
Relationships with peers and teachers are most beneficial when children have adequate self-esteem. Children with high self-esteem are also better equipped to cope with mistakes, disappointment, and failure as well as more likely to complete challenging tasks and set their own goals. Self-esteem is a lifelong necessity that can be easily enhanced—but just as easily damaged—by teachers and parents.
Self-Esteem and the Growth Mindset
The feedback children receive plays a primary role in developing their self-esteem, especially when that feedback comes from their mentors. Unproductive, overly-critical feedback can be quite hurtful to students and lead to low self-esteem. Positive and productive feedback can have the opposite effect. What children hear about themselves and their abilities influences their mindset about their worth.
Carol Dweck, champion of the growth mindset, argues that feedback to children should be goal-oriented rather than person-oriented. She claims that this type of praise is more effective and ultimately more likely to instill in students a growth mindset or the belief that people can grow, improve, and develop with effort (in contrast with a fixed mindset or the belief that people are born with fixed traits and abilities that cannot grow or change).
How to Give Helpful, Encouraging Feedback
Avoid assigning value to students with your feedback. Statements like "I'm proud of you" and "You're really good at math" are not only unhelpful, but they can also lead children to develop self-concepts based on praise alone. Instead, praise accomplishments and call attention to particular efforts and strategies applied to tasks. That way, students perceive feedback as useful and motivating.
Except to tell students what you notice, try to leave both yourself and the student out of your feedback and comment only on their work, especially improvements. Here are a few examples.
- "I notice you used paragraphs to organize your writing, that's a great strategy."
- "I can tell you are making fewer computational errors when you take your time."
- "You've really improved your handwriting, I know you've been working really hard on that."
- "I noticed you didn't give up when you made a mistake and instead went back and fixed it. That's what good writers/mathematicians/scientists/etc. do."
When using goal-oriented feedback, you positively influence self-esteem and support a child's motivational level for achieving academic goals.
Tips for Improving Your Students' Self-Esteem
There is more you can do to build your students up than just providing them with meaningful feedback. It's important for students to have healthy self-esteems both in and out of the classroom, but many children need help cultivating positive self-theories. This is where their mentors come in. Here is what teachers and parents can do to support high self-esteem in students:
- Focus on the positive
- Only give constructive criticism
- Encourage students to find things they like about themselves
- Set realistic expectations
- Teach students to learn from their mistakes
Focus on the Positive
Do you ever notice that both adults and children with low self-esteem tend to focus on the negative? You'll hear these people tell you what they can't do, talk about their weaknesses, and dwell on their mistakes. People like this need to be encouraged not be so hard on themselves.
Lead your students by example and demonstrate what it looks like to forgive yourself for mistakes and appreciate your strengths. They will see that self-worth should be determined by good traits rather than shortcomings. Focusing on the positive doesn't mean you can't ever give negative feedback, it just means that you should praise most often and give negative feedback sparingly.
Give Constructive Criticism
Those suffering from low self-esteem are usually unable to tolerate criticism, even when it is meant to help them. Be sensitive to this. Always remember that self-esteem is about how much children feel valued, appreciated, accepted, and loved. You should work to preserve a student's self-image and help them to see themselves as you see them.
Understand that as parents and teachers, you play the biggest role in a child's development of self. You can easily make or break a student's self-esteem, so always criticize as constructively as possible when you must criticize and use your influence to have the strongest positive impact possible.
Identify Positive Traits
Some students need to be prompted to state things they can do well and things they feel good about. You will be surprised at how many children with low self-esteem have difficulty with this task—for some, you'll need to provide prompts. This is a great beginning-of-the-year activity for all students and an exercise that anyone can benefit from practicing.
Set Realistic Expectations
Setting realistic expectations for your students or children goes a long way in setting them up for success. Differentiated instruction is key to ensuring that your students are receiving the support they need, but you can't differentiate your instruction without knowing your students' strengths and abilities.
Once you've found out what a student can and can't do without support, get to work designing tasks and activities for them that are not so challenging they can't be done but challenging enough that they feel a sense of accomplishment upon completing.
Learn From Mistakes
Turn mistakes into something positive by helping children focus on what is gained through error rather than what is lost. Learning from mistakes is another great opportunity to lead your students by example. Remind them that everyone makes mistakes, then let them see you doing this. When they see you slipping up and handling your mistakes with patience and optimism, they will begin to see errors as learning opportunities too.
Sources
- Dweck, Carol S. Self-Theories: Their Role in Motivation, Personality, and Development. Routledge, 2016.
- “Your Child's Self-Esteem (for Parents).” Edited by D'Arcy Lyness, KidsHealth, The Nemours Foundation, July 2018.